If you were an actress on an ABC sitcom that aired at some point in the 1990s, apparently the easiest way to get back in the news is to bribe college officials to let your undeserving kids get into school. I mean, duh.
The internet still won’t shut up about Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin being among the 50 people charged in an investigation into affluent parents who cheated and bribed their children into elite colleges. Huffman was arrested earlier today on charges of conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud, and Loughlin will be turning herself into authorities in Los Angeles later today. Loughlin’s husband, the designer Mossimo Giannulli, was also arrested, along with 30 other parents, nine college coaches, two SAT/ACT administrators, an exam proctor and a college administrator.
At the center is a man named William Rick Singer, who ran a company called Edge College and Career Network, and who faces up to 65 years behind bars for various charges of fraud. Under the guise of a non-profit company that helped students with their college admissions, Singer would pay to have SAT and ACT tests retaken or scores changed, and also for students to be accepted through athletic programs in sports they didn’t actually play. He’d charge parents exorbitant sums for his work. Basically rich people paid him a ton to bribe and defraud their kids into colleges they couldn’t otherwise get accepted to.
The list of impacted schools includes Yale, Stanford, the University of Southern California, Wake Forest, Georgetown, UCLA, and more. It’s a big, glaring example of how patently unfair society can be—all it took for these students to get into top schools were parents with lots of money and a network of people willing to commit white collar crime. If their parents were any smart, they would’ve just taken the traditional route and bribed colleges to accept their children by making huge donations directly to the school.
Okay, let’s back up. Yes, I realize Felicity Huffman is more than just a star of an old sitcom. She has an Oscar nomination! She was one of the Desperate Housewives! She’s married to William H. Macy, and together they get to do cute couple-y things on the Emmys red carpet every year! Yeah, you might expect Aunt Becky to get wrapped up in something like this—Loughlin’s biggest non-Full House roles were Rad, Back to the Beach and a long list of one-off guest roles on network shows. Of course I wouldn’t expect Loughlin, or Huffman, or any other rich person to actually get arrested for doing this—it seems like the kind of thing that’s just sort of expected to happen. And how often do rich people get arrested, anyway? Rich people don’t earn things, they just buy them—like Trump and the presidency, and his children’s college educations, and Jared Kushner’s time in Harvard, etc. The lesson here is that there’s a right way to bribe your undeserving child into a top school and a wrong way, and unfortunately for them Huffman, Loughlin and dozens more picked the wrong way.
But anyway: Twitter. Yes, predictably Twitter loses the ability to talk about anything else when actresses and sitcom stars get arrested for such a tacky, embarrassing reason. Our official @Paste_Comedy scroll has been a non-stop, self-replicating series of jokes about Loughlin and Huffman and Full House and college, some of which have actually been funny. Here are the best of the lot. And remember to follow all of the people whose work is embedded below—they all make Twitter slightly more tolerable than it otherwise would be.
When you gotta break aunt Becky out of jail. pic.twitter.com/ouwPjstDnV— Travon Free (@Travon) March 12, 2019
Wait a minute, Aunt Becky is married to the Mossimo guy?? That’s the most 90s shit I’ve ever heard in my life— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 12, 2019
Judge: How do you wish to plea?Aunt Becky: Have mercy!Judge: (bangs gavel) Order in the court! Aunt Becky: How rude.Judge: Please stop speaking in only Full House quotes or I’ll find you in contempt.Aunt Becky: You got it dude!— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 12, 2019
When I decided to sleep in this morning, I had no idea one of the consequences would be, “all the good Felicity Huffman is getting arrested jokes would be tweeted already.”— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) March 12, 2019
did any one else just assume that celebrities paid to get their kids into college and are shocked that it’s actually illegal— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: ur child was not accepted to our collegeFELICITY HUFFMAN: then i will have to do a crimeADMISSIONS OFFICE: u can just donate some money & we’ll let em inFELICITY HUFFMAN: a crime i shall doADMISSIONS OFFICE: just make a donationFELICITY HUFFMAN: crime time— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 12, 2019
The best part is Lori Loughlin spent half a million dollars so her Instagram influencer daughter could post pics about being a college student.— Desi (@DesiJed) March 12, 2019
Frances McDormand actually contacted colleges to request that they apply more stringent standards for her son.— itsonlyzach (@itsonlyzach) March 12, 2019
Lori Loughlin is rumored to be hunkered down in the Tora Bora cave complex in eastern Afghanistan— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 12, 2019
Finally we have the grounds we need to impeach Felicity Huffman.— Guy Branum (@guybranum) March 12, 2019
Banner day for everyone’s co-worker who treats going to an Ivy League school as a personality trait— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 12, 2019
Has anyone tweeted “Fuller Big House” yet in regards to Aunt Becky?— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) March 12, 2019
Weird thing is, if they weren’t involved, Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are exactly who they’d cast as the moms in the TV movie about this.— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) March 12, 2019
I think the mystery of how Don Jr got into an Ivy League university has been solved.— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) March 12, 2019
Look I realize I lied about your abilities and bribed people to get you kids into the Ivy League but I only did it bc I love you all and wanted to make sure you’d grow up to be just like me— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) March 12, 2019
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I do not trust Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin— Dan O’Sullivan (@Bro_Pair) March 12, 2019
Lori Loughlin’s daughter immediately started returning on the investment tho pic.twitter.com/Ypc7CT7MNd— Gabrielle Bluestone (@g_bluestone) March 12, 2019
Haha they did it for the ‘gram content holy shit this is the dumbest scandal of all time https://t.co/vKhWzybFwz— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) March 12, 2019
Lori Loughlin’s husband is the guy who invented Mossimo and, frankly, he should already be in prison pic.twitter.com/Oo24Mi9mZV— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 12, 2019
Naively assumed everyone got into college the way I did: by studying, working hard, and climbing out of a haunted encyclopedia inside the undergraduate library— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 12, 2019
Everywhere you look (everywhere)There’s a fraud(There’s a fraud)A school to pay bribes to— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 12, 2019
I applied to UCSD for college where my dad was a professor and asked him to put in a word for me. He did, and I still got rejected and he goes “you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Never ask someone to put in a good word for you if everyone thinks that person is an asshole.”— Justin Halpern (@justin_halpern) March 12, 2019
An important real world lesson college students should learn is that the dumbest person in meetings is always an important person’s kid or brother.— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) March 12, 2019
guys it’s a lot easier to get into college by just blowing the dean— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) March 12, 2019
I flunked out of a state school and now I do podcasts! Nothing is real! Go for it!— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 12, 2019
march madness: who will play felicity huffman in college cheating film? pic.twitter.com/XdnTnKRWZK— dilara elbir (@elbirdilara) March 12, 2019
Sorry, I’m behind, what happened? Someone from TV made a fake scam university and paid a 25 million dollar fine for committing fraud?— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) March 12, 2019