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Dumb Internet Person Jacob Wohl Unsuccessfully Framing Robert Mueller Is the Comic Relief We Need Right Now

Politics Features Jacob Wohl
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To us internet folk, this is a truly mind-bending story. I’m not sure it’s possible to fully articulate to you normal people whose brains haven’t been broken by Twitter how bizarre, yet wholly appropriate for 2018 this story is. The best description I’ve seen comes from BuzzFeed News’ opinion editor, Tom Gara.

Today was truly hallucinatory, seeing Jacob Wohl and the Krassensteins somehow become part of the Mueller thing was like seeing the girl in The Ring burst out of the screen and crawl around the living room— Tom Gara (@tomgara) October 30, 2018

Let's start with the star of the show.

Jacob Wohl

First off, I'd just like to state on behalf of all Jacobs that this jackass doesn't represent us and I am taking it upon me to denounce him on behalf of all Jacobs around the world. Wohl was already a certified buffoon, but because his lunacy was confined largely to Twitter, he was like a great indie band who hasn't made it big yet. Wohl gained notoriety amongst the interwebz for being one of the first people to reply to every Trump tweet, blindly repeating propaganda like this and getting some retweets from Trump for his trouble.

Gang members and low skilled, illiterate workers — That's the Democrat Party's base!— Jacob Wohl (@JacobAWohl) October 29, 2018

He has also crossed the line more than once.

Count on CNN to mail themselves more "suspicious packages" in order to stop Trump— Jacob Wohl (@JacobAWohl) October 29, 2018

Wohl was born on December 12th, 1997, and he has been a grifter as long as people have known the name Jacob Wohl. Prior to becoming one of the president's favorite digital lapdogs, Wohl was known for being the youngest person to ever be banned by the National Futures Association, so his ascendancy to the top of conservative media was basically a given. Speaking of grifters…

The Krassenstein Brothers

The Krassensteins are like a harmless version of Jacob Wohl. They had previous experience doing some shady stuff (the FBI seized a fortune from them after they boosted a bunch of online ponzi schemes), but they really emerged into the public consciousness by tweeting through the Trump presidency. The Krassenstein brothers, Ed and Brian, are anti-Trump, and they spend their Twitter days posting stuff like this.

BOOM!!

Dan Coats and the CIA had no clue that Trump was going to revoke Brennan's security clearance, but a Putin Ally called it in a tweet 2 days before Trump actually issued the Memo to do so.

Russia then boasted Yesterday about it.

PLEASE RETWEET!https://t.co/VU1bAXXYbV— Brian Krassenstein (@krassenstein) August 16, 2018

They also wrote a kids book where Robert Mueller looks like he's about to go film another sequel to Magic Mike.

And yes, there is a shirtless character build around the real-life Robert Mueller.

Again, this is a parody book!

If you don't want your children seeing a muscular shirtless man, then don't buy this book.

Also don't go to the beach or outside in the summer. pic.twitter.com/4D7Ly19xsG— Ed Krassenstein (@EdKrassen) September 4, 2018

Got it? No? That's OK. It's 2018. Nothing's supposed to make sense anymore. As unserious as much of the above seems, what transpired is anything but.

The Stupid, It Hurts

Several media sources tell me that a scandalous story about Mueller is breaking tomorrow. Should be interesting. Stay tuned!— Jacob Wohl (@JacobAWohl) October 30, 2018

Per NBC:

Special counsel Robert Mueller last week asked the FBI to investigate a possible scam in which a woman would make false claims that he was guilty of sexual misconduct and harassment, after several political reporters were contacted about doing a story on the alleged misconduct.

Multiple reporters were contacted over the past few weeks by a woman who said she had been offered money to say she had been harassed by Mueller, the special counsel who is probing possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. After investigating, according to the political website Hill Reporter, the reporters each independently determined the allegations of misconduct and harassment were likely a hoax and that it was unclear if the woman had been offered money to make the claim. The reporters then contacted the special counsel's office to report that they had been approached about the scheme.

So how do we know that Wohl is behind this scheme perpetrated by an outlet called Surefire Intelligence?

via GIPHY

Per NBC:

Wohl declined to comment on his involvement with Surefire Intelligence. However, his email is listed in the domain records for Surefire Intelligence's website and calls to a number listed on the Surefire Intelligence website went to a voicemail message which provided another phone number, listed in public records as belonging to Wohl's mother.

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

My God did we ever need this comic relief right now. You really need to read this entire NBC report. There's so much more stupid in there that I haven't included. Some of the best parts came after NBC's report dropped, and the internet began to pick it apart.

not only did you pick a guy who would presumably have an ironclad alibi – BEING THE FBI DIRECTOR ON A WORK DAY – to make up this shit about, you picked a date you NEVER GOOGLED. this took literally seconds to find.— (@thetomzone) October 30, 2018

Odd. Jacob Wohl says he doesn't know nuttin' about Surefire Intelligence, the firm tied to the bizarre Mueller allegations. Take a look at the photos below of Mathhew Cohen, head of 'Surefire,' and of Jacob Wohl. pic.twitter.com/Q1rAW4wkPO— Jane Mayer (@JaneMayerNYer) October 30, 2018

Surefire Intelligence's "Financial Investigator" in Zurich is Christoph Waltz. What a great hire! pic.twitter.com/Leu1KLe0XC— Aric Toler (@AricToler) October 30, 2018

So to recap: an internet troll got caught by another internet troll for trying to frame the former FBI Director/Current Head of the special counsel whose jurisdiction is basically the President of the United States. Boy did that sentence escalate quickly.

See…What Had Happened Was…

We're still parsing through the wreckage of the most 2018 story to ever 2018, so where this is all headed and how we got here is still a largely speculative venture, but its seriousness for Jacob Wohl is pretty certain: he's looking at jail time here. Paste's Roger Sollenberger has a good theory as to how this went down.

Obv, there was never a real accuser. Wohl and/or Jack Burkman reached out to the press themselves — pretending to be a woman — to persuade press to run unverifiable reports that Burkman was paying women to make up stories to smear Mueller. 2/— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) October 30, 2018

Here's either Burkman or more likely Wohl posing as someone working for Wohl's fake firm to tell a journo he's flying too close to the sun. Uses Burkman's name in hopes press will smear Burkman without following up on anything. No one ran it. 4/ https://t.co/1YyB65MQqc— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) October 30, 2018

They did this so a Potemkin intel firm Wohl invented for the purpose could release a falsified report but not have to produce the woman: They'd say "she" is scared bc press pre-smeared her w/out evidence. This will 100% happen, prob in 3 2 1…. 6/ https://t.co/MbcuPN81ev— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) October 30, 2018

This is the dumbest scheme in human history. It's something you could only devise if you took the entirety of the stupidity from all 13 seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and condensed it into a highly potent toxin and ingested it, then did bath salts for good measure.

AND: Read Wohl's report. Among other chestnuts, says Mueller (acting FBI director) was at a 2010 NYC police conference I couldn't find, & told the woman his real name, & said "I'm a cop," & she never realized it was THAT Robert Mueller until THIS SEPTEMBER https://t.co/YkIjCSnmXZ— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) October 30, 2018

I think it’s pretty clear where the inspiration for this scheme came from: Wohl and his merry band of idiots over at Gateway Pundit (who published then retracted the “report,” and who also get a seat at White House press briefings) were dumb enough to believe that the women coming out against Brett Kavanaugh were all part of some nefarious Democratic plot to discredit the future Supreme Court justice, and they figured “hey, we can do that too!” Instead, their whole moronic plan fell apart the moment the freaking Krassenstein brothers smelled BS. Imagine what the FBI will do to Wohl once they turn him inside out.

Jacob Weindling is a staff writer for Paste politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.

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