HBO was recently hacked by an anonymous group. There was no reason given for the hack, but Paste has just acquired a copy of the hackers’ note to HBO. After much internal debate, we have decided to publish these demands.
As you are probably aware, we recently hacked into your mainframe and started leaking Game Of Thrones scripts. Please know: This is just the beginning. We have acquired access to all of your sensitive materials, including future episodes of Westworld, David Benioff’s email address and proof that you enjoyed parts of True Detective’s second season. If you double-cross us, don’t be surprised if the long-anticipated storyboards for the next season of Crashing pop up on Reddit.
While we are avid viewers of your countless Emmy-award winning programs, you have forced our hand on this. Prepare for more public leaks until all of the following demands are met:
-Take out advertisements in all major trade publications apologizing to the cast and crew of The Leftovers for not working hard enough to get the show more Emmy nominations this year.
-Expand the HBO universe by adding a Pete Holmes character to every show. In every show, Pete will play a down-on-his-luck stand-up comedian. He must receive top billing and appear in all promotional materials.
-Entourage and Ballers crossover special!
-Make a reboot of Oz, but we were thinking it takes place in an all-women’s prison. Wait, scratch that one—already been done.
-Spread release dates for your tentpole programming throughout the year instead of putting them all out at the same time for 10 weeks. Nobody had enough time to watch The Leftovers, Silicon Valley and Veep in one night without getting something spoiled for them. This one is more for you than for us.
-Make no less than four new shows about struggling stand-up comedians/writers in New York that average no more than 2 chuckles per episode.
-Every Vice News reporter has to enroll and receive a diploma from an accredited four-year journalism program before they can do any more “reports.” The “School of Hard Knocks” no longer counts.
-Bill Maher can only choose panel guests who also made guest appearances on Entourage . We’re looking forward to watching Bill, Tom Brady, Bob Saget and Emmanuelle Chriqui discuss the ongoing Syrian conflict next week!
-Even though you cancelled Luck years ago, we still need Dustin Hoffman to kill at least one racehorse every month. Three-year old thoroughbred, no substitutions.
-Instead of teasing an upcoming series before an episode, just roll a Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel segment. It’s easily the best show on your network, so stop hiding it in the sports section!
-Retroactively change the name of Dennis Miller Live to Dennis Miller Formerly Live on HBO GO. It’s confusing. The show hasn’t been live in nearly two decades.
-Oh, while we’re at it, let’s just go ahead and take Dennis Miller Live off HBO GO for good measure.
-Reboot of the under-appreciated John From Cincinnati. The reboot must last at least two seasons so character arcs can be fully developed. ALL ORIGINAL CAST MEMBERS MUST RETURN OR ELSE!
-As long as Jerry Jones is alive, Hard Knocks will always feature the Dallas Cowboys.
-Now that you have the rights to Sesame Street, start putting some sex scenes in there. No better way to teach children about the birds and the bees than a Bert and Ernie BDSM scene while the Count watches from the corner.
-Stop being so hands-off with Larry David. He clearly wants to do a new season of Curb every year, you’re just not asking him enough times. It’s part of his schtick!
-Nobody with the last name Apatow or Duplass is allowed to work on any future HBO projects.
-Publicly admit that HBO is, despite all of the promotional materials, in fact, just a TV channel.
Unless all these demands are met, we will start leaking even more of the top-secret information we’ve obtained including how much Pete Holmes gets paid for Crashing. We are not be messed with and urge you to meet all of our demands!